If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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