Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
