Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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