He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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