I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
