I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I want a musical about memes.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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