i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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