who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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