I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize