theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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