I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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