He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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