i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
