she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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