Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
