my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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