She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
