Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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