you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
