You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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