ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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