So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
