Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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