I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
