Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
