I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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