my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
