Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
