She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
