I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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