Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
