My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
