He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just google imaged poop.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Randomize
