Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
BRING THE BAGELS
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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