When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
