You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
