dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
