I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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