So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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