Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
