It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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