A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
