What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
