The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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