You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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