She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize