So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
