Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
