Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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