I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
