I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
