i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
