textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
