I heard we made out
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
