just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
