I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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