Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
