i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
