I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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