Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
