she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
