I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
