I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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