There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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