i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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