cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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