I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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