I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
